Category Archives: pregnancy

Fertility & Social Media

17 Sunday Sep 2017

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I look cute, but also, this pic makes me feel like kind of a jerk.

During my second pregnancy, I trawled Etsy for the perfect ‘Big Brother’ shirt and spent a while composing the pregnancy announcement in my mind. I had it ready to go. And then I lost the pregnancy.

When I started writing about my experiences as a parent, I fully expected to write about my miscarriage, which happened in December 2015. But it turns out I don’t have that much to say about it. It happened. It was awful. I do still occasionally think about what life would be like if we’d had that one baby, though I think about it less and less as I get to know the two I ended up with.

Anyway. The ‘big brother’ tee shirt never got its day, and I began a year of uncharitable crankiness about other peoples’ pregnancy announcements. Like many people my age, I’ve been on social media for over a decade, and have hundreds of contacts with whom I have minimal actual contact in real life. That woman I met at a wedding? Or the  conference? Or the person I hung out with for four days straight at Bonnaroo and then never again? Check, check, and check. And in the time between miscarrying and receiving the green light to try again, I think all of them got pregnant.

Announcements obviously run the gamut: some people post ‘btw internet, we had a baby’ while other people go full-on Beyonce. But when you want to be pregnant and haven’t had any luck, it is hard not to interpret all of them as preening: ‘#april2017! #soblessed!’

So when I got pregnant again, this time with twins, I put a lot of thought into how to tell the world. Because TWINS! Right? But on the other hand, I knew of a few friends who have had trouble conceiving. Perhaps more importantly, I knew there were even more people I didn’t know had trouble conceiving. I didn’t want to be THAT girl.

In my period of infertility, there were a few friends – not Facebook friends but real-life friends – who got pregnant. Hurray! I did not begrudge them their reproductive success. Even so, it meant the world to me (it still does, more than a year later) that they spoke to me or emailed me and said ‘this probably sucks for you to hear, and I’m sorry to cause you emotional turmoil, but I’m pregnant.’  It didn’t actually cause me much turmoil; it was easy to just be happy for them, and grateful to have such thoughtful people in my life.

And then – finallyyyyyy – it was my turn. A friend took a picture of me with my beloved Peugeot bicycle in her front garden. My pregnancy hair looked amazing. My bump (about 18 weeks at that point) looked sweet and compact. My thighs looked enormous, but can’t win’em all. And so almost without thinking, I posted it. #Frannyhavingtwins #goodhairday

And that is how, in a minute, I became the thoughtless jerk whose posts had made me glower for the better part of 2016.

Its hard to know what the right balance is. Its not like people should keep their children secret. The world is full of babies. That’s a good thing. Babies bring joy and light and hope into the world.  But I think maybe we should all agree, collectively, to put a moratorium on the following: #soblessed, #blessed (those two don’t need to be used by anyone, for any reason, ever again. Google it. I am hardly the only person who feels this way), #fitpregnancy, heart-on-uterus pics, and ultrasound images. I don’t need to see inside your body, Girl from Middle School.

I know how hard it is to resist. As soon as I got pregnant, I thought: tee shirts! Chalkboards! Balloons! Glitter! Tiny baby shoes! ALL THE PINTEREST! But thank goodness my laziness was stronger than my hormones, because I know how hard it is when you want to be pregnant but are not.

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Now that I’m a Mum of Three

19 Monday Jun 2017

Posted by in babies, Early Days, pregnancy

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Didn’t plan on having a litter.

 

When my first child was born, I remember walking dreamily around the hospital room telling a friend that I couldn’t believe something so perfect had come out of me. Objectively, this was not true – kid was a weird looking baby. He was super scrawny, and the first time my sister saw him, she squeaked ‘he looks like an alien!’

(she wasn’t wrong)

Maybe because of the persistent anxiety that defined this pregnancy, or because they were whisked away in incubators while I still felt too shaky from the c-section to touch them, or because two babies is a lot of baby – I didn’t have that this time. I have felt fierce, and protective, and grateful, and scared. But a couple days ago, I looked at my two daughters and said to them ‘I love you so much!’ and was surprised to realise that it was the first time the phrase had come naturally to me.

I learned I was having twins ten months ago, and today, I still struggle to believe that I have three kids – even with all three of them in front of me, it doesn’t seem real. I am still recalibrating my life as a parent – this isn’t the family I imagined, and the third kid is the hardest part. And to be clear, are all the third kid: Theo, when he runs into the bedroom at 6:30 on the nose to ask if he can watch Paw Patrol; Daphne, when she screams because she’s starving but the boob is RIGHT THERE; Fiona, when…well, she’s actually a pretty chilled out baby but she definitely has her moments. I want all three of these kids, but I didn’t want three kids, and I’m still mourning the vision I had for my family, even as I feel myself falling more and more in love with what I actually have.

 

Shit you shouldn’t ask NICU parents

03 Saturday Jun 2017

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Sniff you later, NICU!

My twin daughters Fiona and Daphne were born at 31 weeks this February and were teeny tiny perfect little peanuts. We’d known from early on in the pregnancy that the girls would be facing a long NICU stay, and I think the advance warning was 100% key to my (relatively) stable emotional and mental state throughout the ten weeks we spent on the NICU.

But prepping the people around me was hard. I kept telling my dad we expected the girls to be about three lbs (1.5 kilos) and he would make a choking noise on the phone which, frankly, was not helpful.

In one memorable conversation, I said ‘we don’t know when they will come home even after we have a c section date’

He said ‘oh yeah, because they’ll be in the NICU for a few days.’

‘No, Dad. We’re hoping for 4-6 weeks in the best case scenario.’

‘WHAT?!’

I mean, how would he know? He was just worried, as of course we were too. But managing other people’s expectations gets exhausting really damn fast, especially when you’re working so hard to manage your own. So here is a list of NICU do’s and don’ts for family and friends.

1. For the love of god, don’t ask when the baby/babies are coming home. Do not do this. DO NOT. I know it seems like a totally innocuous question but a. everyone asks and b. as with many long-term hospital stays, the kids are in there until they get discharged. Something can go wrong up until the moment you walk out the door, and I spent most of the ten weeks holding my breath. In Fiona’s case, she had a final, pre-discharge blood test – at which we discovered she was anaemic. She spent another week in the hospital while they monitored her haemoglobin levels.

The best analogy I have come up with, for those of you with friends in academia, is that it’s like asking a PhD student when they are going to graduate. The answer is ‘as soon as possible.’

2. Don’t expect photos. Even the relatively healthy babies are often hooked up to a lot of crap – oxygen, breathing, heart rate and apnea monitors are pretty standard. Really, really early babies are often a non-skin colour – blue or translucent – and breathing apparatus obscures their faces anyway.

3. Hopefully this goes without saying, but do your best not to express alarm at a baby’s weight or age at birth.  Daphne was under two lbs. I know that’s tiny. I dislike telling people because they look so startled. But of course, not all NICU babies are early; some have a rough start for other reason. A friend recently spent nearly three weeks in the NICU with a past-term baby, and the most alarming thing I witnessed in the NICU was a 37 weeker rushed in from labour & delivery (thankfully, that baby was home in under a week).

4. Do all the things you would normally do for parent of a newborn – bring food, send cards, keep in touch via text messages (I personally loved texting – you can’t speak on the phone in the NICU, but texting was allowed. When I was spending hours in a hermetically sealed room, with alarms beeping around me, I was beyond grateful for the friends who sent me chatty texts, especially when they kept texting over a period of hours or days). Basically cultivate the same ‘it takes a village’ approach that you would if the baby was at home. Virtual support is still support, and it’s something you can offer even if you are far away or pressed for time.

5. Don’t assume the mum is getting sleep because the baby isn’t home. You are strongly encouraged to pump breastmilk for NICU babes, and for first time mums especially, it can be stressful and time consuming. And it has to happen on a regular schedule – so even if the kid is in the hospital, there is a good chance the mum is getting up every four hours to milk herself.

6. Do send media recommendations. I found most books to be a little too much for me, and I didn’t like to bring books into the sterile environment anyway – when I read them, I read them on my phone (sterilised daily with a Clinell wipe)(my husband brought gross dusty paperbacks in all the time, though, so – personal preference). But I read longform journalism, listened to podcasts, and while I was expressing I watched Netflix shows that I’d cached on my phone.

7. Don’t send pics of your healthy baby, if you have one. A friend sent a pic of her healthy, smiling newborn with the caption ‘forgot how great these smiles are!’ And I wasn’t angry, exactly, but I had two kids hooked up to machines in incubators at the time and I had a hard time mustering enthusiasm for her sweet healthy baby. I’m not proud of myself – I wish I had been more generous of spirit – but I don’t think I’m alone among NICU parents. Stupid healthy babies and their stupid clueless parents.

One in ten babies are born early or unwell, so hopefully this advice will never be pertinent to you, but odds are it will. That said – to avoid ending on a dour note – most NICU babes are just fine. A rough start doesn’t necessarily dictate what happens when a baby goes home, but it sure does suck while it’s happening, and having the right kind of support can be a huge help.

So let me tell you about this horrific pregnancy I just had.

30 Tuesday May 2017

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It turns out I have a lot more to say about parenting in the abstract – having branded myself, officially, as a Mummy Blogger (ugh) I’m all of a sudden at a loss for words.

You guys, I am never at a loss for words.

So I decided to go for it. 


The girls at about three weeks old (34 weeks gestation)

I’m writing this because even three months removed from the actual pregnancy, it looms over me, as I imagine it does for other women (and men, and people) who have dealt with a scary or high-risk pregnancy. I would have loved to read my story six months ago and I would love for it to be a source of strength for families at a different stage of their own experience.

Lucky you, though, I decided to save miscarriage and the NICU for another day.

In February I gave birth to two extremely tiny identical twin girls, Fiona (at 1.3 kilos or 2.9 lbs) and Daphne, who weighed in at 820 g (1.8 lbs). They were 31 weeks gestation and had suffered from selective intrauterine growth restriction, or sIUGR. Both were small for 31 weeks, but Daphne was barely on the charts – she was somewhere near the 0.1 percentile, whereas Fiona was somewhere around the 9th or 10th percentile. That is also small enough to be considered growth-restricted, and the NICU consultants told me she was probably also somewhat compromised in utero.

We were diagnosed with sIUGR at about 16 weeks and had weekly ultrasounds to monitor growth and, more importantly, blood flow in the umbilical arteries. The gist of sIUGR is that one baby has a larger share of the placenta than the other, but it is also common for the smaller baby to have a narrower umbilical artery and/or a bad connection between the artery and the placenta. In Daphne’s case, she had a cocktail. She had All The Things. It wasn’t a great situation. Once diagnosed, we had a target C section date of 32 weeks, though I held out hope that we could make it to 34 if we were lucky.

Every week, we would watch the blood flow in the umbilical artery to make sure, essentially, that blood wasn’t backwashing into the artery between heartbeats. When that happens, intervention often follows fairly swiftly.

Things were going pretty well, actually, until the 23rd of December, when I had a bleed. I was 23+6. As my legs shook and the midwife put in an IV, the doctor stood above my bed and said ‘I don’t think we will deliver these babies tonight, but that is just a feeling.’

They never figured out what it was, but after about three hours the bleeding just….slowed, and eventually stopped. I spent the night in Labour & Delivery drinking water, staring at the blue computer monitor, and schlepping back and forth to the toilet. When a nurse in green scrubs brought me tea and toast the following morning, I sat with the tray in front of me and sobbed.

The following week, there was backwash in the umbilical artery and it was time to consider laser ablation surgery. The procedure was effectively a selective reduction. While in rare cases, the smaller twin thrives after connections to the bigger twin are severed, in most cases, the little one doesn’t make it; instead, the larger one gets more time in utero and a substantially mitigated chance of profound disability. Our little one – already named Daphne – was so little that we had to assess her chances of survival at about three weeks behind her gestational date. So when she was 28 weeks, we looked at statistics for 25 weekers.

At 25+4, we went to London to meet with a specialist. The procedure is not performed past 26 weeks so it was absolutely our last chance. We knew the moment might come but it was an agonizing weekend. There was a very real possibility that, without intervention, neither girl would make it. But there was an equally real possibility that both girls would be just fine. There was no right answer, but we went to London having decided that the procedure was the best thing for our family. I was so sure we were going to do it that I had already contacted grief counseling services at our local hospital.

And then, magically, everything looked fine.

My husband had by this point taken to carrying around a thick stack of scholarly articles covered in pink highlighter, and I had taken a case-study approach – I had scoured the internet for similar stories. So it was both alarming and gratifying to see a team of six medical professionals from around the world clustered around the ultrasound machine, all trying to figure out what the fuck was happening in my uterus. Spoiler alert: they decided that 32 weeks was still a reasonable goal, and that 33 was not unimaginable, and sent us on our way. We got Japanese food and almost missed our train.

I’ve tried to be succinct here, so I will skip the part about how I had another bleed, spent another weekend in hospital, got put on monitoring, and then ultimately delivered due to complications entirely unrelated to sIUGR (high blood pressure and reduced foetal movement).

We delivered at 31 weeks via emergency c section, and our girls spent 9 and 10 weeks in the NICU respectively. Despite the fact that that is a helluva long time, they had relatively straightforward experiences, or at least it could have been much worse.

Today the girls are 15 weeks old, or 6 weeks and 2 days, adjusted. Both have begun to smile but prefer to look quizzical, gifting me infrequent but radiant open-mouthed grins. They have largely held their growth curves but I am optimistic that they will nudge up a few percentiles in the next few months. In short: it all sucked but we appear to be coming out the other side. At this point, my day-to-day experience of these babies is like any other woman with six week twins, and the most amazing thing is how quickly the NICU has faded behind us.

If you are a stranger on the internet in the throes of a scary pregnancy, and I can be of use, please let me know.